I've been thinking about that a lot lately since I've been wondering whether or not she thought that my priorities were different than what I thought they were. After we'd been married for a while we both realized that my trailer wasn't going to last very long with both of us living in it and we needed more room especially for all the stuff she was shipping from Georgia. So the problem was that we would have to get a lot more money than my disability would provide or she would have to get a job that would pay enough to pay for a better place to live.
So I started to focus on my graphic design career to try and genrate some better financial opportunities, but that meant I had to devote less time and attention exclusively to her, I thought at the time it was the priority that was best for both us, but was that a mistake? Did she understand what I was trying to do or did she think I was abandoning her to do something I liked better than her?
Maybe I should've made more time for her and tried to balance it better, especially since I'm still stuck in the trailer with no better place to live in sight. But on the other hand, maybe she should've pitched in more to help me get ahead more by contributing more to my career or by getting a better job since hers payed less than my disability.
I was talking to my mom about it and she thought I she thought I should let it go but it's hard to do that since if I don't learn from it then I won't know if it's worth it to try again or how to avoid the problem if I do try again. Plus I need to figure it out for the novels I was going to write about it as a sequel to Seeking Resonace. I wondering how much of our relationship was based on fantasies that couldn't stand up to living day to day. For example while she was still in Georgia, we talked about going to Feather Falls when she got here and making love under the waterfall.
But it was a fair hike to it. A lot less than I used to do when I was in the Boy Scouts or even trips to Big Sur but we never made it that far since it seemed it wasn't the priority to be worth it. We only made it as far as the fish hatchery that was less than a mile away. Was it because the fantasy of making love under the waterfall couldn't stand up to the reality in the hardship of the hike? The needs of her body to not be worn out by the trip up there seemed to take priority over the experience we could've shared together.
Another example is the first fantasy that we had when I found out she liked me, that of Red Sonja and Kalidor. She had this notion of being strong like a warrior and only loving someone that could defeat her in battle. I thought it was ironic since in the movie Kalidor proved to her that the point was that was a self-defeating strategy since if she was going to love someone, she wasn't going to want to defeat them in battle.
I'm wondering how many other things Krys had ironic and self-defeating fantasies about. We never did get to do our sword fight since I lost my fencing foil and she didn't have her katana anymore. But I did see that she wasn't as good at a lot of things as she claimed, she couldn't use the brake while riding a bike, she couldn't use the diving board or go very far in the deep end of a swimming pool and she couldn't use a bow very well. So how much of the lies she told herself about them were projected onto false expectations about our relationship?
I also had a lot of problems with pain bringing up a lot of shadow stuff to the point where I had so little energy that I could barely function much less respond to her and give her any kind of attention. I couldn't focus on much else except the day to day details of just getting from one day to the next so I couldn't even begin to find ways solving what was best for both of us.
The best quote from Strother Martin in movie Cool Hand Luke was definately "What we have here is a failure to communicate." With different priorities, fantasies and levels of developement, I suppose it's a wonder that we lasted as long as we did. It seems to be a lot more widespread problem than just us though. For one reason or another it looks like most couples that split up have some version or another of that problem.
So I have been thinking, which would be more satisfying, living alone to persue my own fantasies without having to compromise my selfish ego trips or trying it again with someone else when I don't even know that's not anymore of a fantasy that something more exists or could last? The trouble with that it's just giving up any foward motion towards evolution and just staying in stasis.
I did get some inspiration from Ken Wilber's book One Taste since it cleared up a lot of what his ideas about "witness" consciousness was actually supposed to be like and what I should do for the 3 books in the trilogy of my auto-biographies
Reading Ken Wilber’s One Taste has been giving me a lot more hope and inspiration that maybe I can still make the soul mate thing work out after all and it’s not as impossible as I put in my blog.
The thing that might make the 3rd book in the trilogy work is that idea I had 10/29/92 about training a soul mate with the Naked Angel Presentation. That way she would be able to get all the foundation and the background she would need to put it into practice and the training to make it last. It would certainly round out the themes of the trilogy if I were able make all the things from the other 2 books come to fruition in the 3rd.
It does give some shape to the overall thrust of the trilogy since the 1st is Seeking Resonance and describes my search for a soul mate, the death of Margie and my marriage to Krys. (Which is #7813 on the Universe Cube T=0 Tau=0 The=0.) The second would be the relationship we had what problems and how it failed, and the development of the Naked Angel Presentation. (Which is #7814 on the Universe Cube T=1 Tau=0 The=0.) The third would be how I used the Naked Angel Presentation to attract and train a more compatible soul mate and the steps along the way to realizing One Taste. (Which is #7815 on the Universe Cube T=2 Tau=0 The=0.) I still have to come up with titles for the other 2 something to do with balance, harmony and unity, like I did with the first since resonance is balance in electronics, I should follow that theme for the others. Something like Attempting Symmetry or Achieving Communion.
What would be good for the story would be if I was able to train a soul mate like Marina from Hot for words on You Tube. It helps that she's very smart so she can absorb the concepts and gain a higher comprehension of them. She's also very beautiful and a good actress that way she could play the part of Cyan with her connections to the people in Hollywood we could make videos and movies together. The odds against that are very high though, but how are they compared to Krys wanting to go through the training and returning? Both would be very good plots for the story, but how likely would they be for specific people as compared to anyone wanting to take the training at all?
On page 183 of One Taste in the 8/16 entry Ken lays out the possibilities “love for a specific person is when it arises in emptiness. It is still love, it is still intensely personal, it is still very specific; but it is a wave that arises from an ocean of infinity. It is as if a great sea of love brings forth a wave, and that wave carries the force and thrill of the entire sea in its every breaking crest. The sensation is like watching an early morning sunrise in the desert: a vast open clear blue spaciousness within there arises, on the horizon, an intense red-yellow fire. You are the infinite sky of love, in which a particular fire-ball of personal love arises.
One thing is certain infinite love and personal love are not mutually exclusive, the latter is just an individual wave of an infinite ocean. When I lie awake, next to her early in the morning doing meditation, nothing really changes in the contemplation except this; there is a whole-body bliss, paradoxically faint but intense, that edges my awareness. It is sexual energy reconnected to its source in the subtle regions of the body-mind. I will often touch her lightly as I meditate, it definitely completes an energy circuit and she can feel it too.
But that is what men and women can do for each other and that is the core of Tantra as well. In a very concrete and visceral way, the union of male and female is the union of Eros and Agape, Ascending and Descending, Emptiness and Form, Wisdom and Compassion. Not theoretically but concretely in the actual distribution of prana or energy currents in the body itself. And that is why, in the very highest Tantric teachings,the mere visualization of sexual congress with the divine consort is not enough for final enlightenment. Rather for ultimate enlightenment, one must take an actual partner and have real sex in order to complete the circuits conducive to recognizing the already enlightened mind."
It is definately something to shoot for that is a lot more worth while than just sitting around. I can do some videos for YouTube about The 1-2-3 of God with Mimic doing some of the soundtrack and then Poser scenes of some of the things described the 1st, 2nd and 3rd person perspectives, the states and stages of consciousness and the conveyor belt approach.
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